The Quest for the Holy Dildo #9

“Take your clothes off K’rris and try this on. We need to get it fitted,” Ubergard asked her lover. “A kilt? You want me to wear a kilt at your wedding!?” K’rris looked at Muz-Ra incredulously. “Well sure! K’rris, I’m going to be stark naked. I don’t see what you have to complain about.” “Well first of all, I have a tail you know! My ass will be on view for the whole world to see. Not to mention my balls.” “But… they’re very nice balls K’rris!” Ubergard said, trying to be reassuring. “Besides, silly cat, we’ve got tails too you know. We’ve cut a hole for your tail,” Muz-Ra said.
“B..But… What about when I sit down?” “Oh, now you’re just being petulant. Sit carefully!” The male Khajiit looked to his giantess lover for support, but got only a lewd smile in return. “Hey, have you seen the outfits she wants us to wear?” “Yeah, but… you’re used to that sort of thing… kinda. Aren’t you? From doing those Tails photo shoots?” “Well, yeah. But, you’re naked now…” “That’s different. You’ve both seen me naked before.” “K’rris,” Ubergard put on her stern face. “You’re going to wear a kilt and that’s all I want to hear about it. After all Red’s done for us, I insist.” He looked to Muz-Ra, who only nodded.
“I’ll wear the damned thing,” K’rris finally relented. “That’s right, you will. Now, put it on so we can see how it fits.” K’rris wriggled into the kilt, keeping his tail as flat against his legs as he could. A problem soon became obvious, though, and it was not his tail. “Is this a joke Red? Do you really want me walking around your wedding with my schlong poking out?!” K’rris asked sincerely. “I hadn’t thought… but now that you mention it…” Muz-Ra mused for a moment. “OH! I see!” Ubergard said with a nod. “It’s on backwards. That’s the tail hole. Turn it around.“
Soon they had the problem resolved, though K’rris was still complaining of the lack of underwear, which the two Argonians ignored completely. "Hmm… What do you think, Red?” Ubergard asked while appraising the look of her lover in the unusual garb. “I need to see it in the light. Come outside K’rris. Let’s see it in the sun.” The three walked outside to the balcony, K’rris keeping the kilt in place with his hands against any stray gusts of wind.
The two walked around him, examining and tugging bits of the cloth. “The color looks fine.” “Don’t you think, maybe, it could be a little longer?” K’rris asked hopefully. “Actually, I was thinking a little shorter. What do you think Red?” “Well, it would be great if his balls were peeking out just a little bit.” “WHAT?!”
Muz-Ra smiled. “Yeah, and a bit of ass cheek in the back.” “Nonono!” K’rris complained. “Nevermind! The length is fine!” “I don’t suppose we could go back to having that cock-hole?” Ubergard spoke up for K’rris this time. “Red, you’ve got him in a dress with no underwear. I think that’s probably as far as we should go.” “Oh, alright. Okay, you can take it off now K’rris. Just give me a second to give it a little alteration.”
After the alteration was made, they had him put it back on again. “Wait,” Muz-Ra said, puzzled as her and Ubergard threaded K’rris’ tail through the kilt. “Hmmm…” Ubergard said. “It looked fine there before. Where’d the extra drape go?” Muz-Ra turned to the front of the kilt. “Ah HA! He’s got an erection!” “Sorry.” “Damn but it’s tough to fit males! What should we do about that? Should we fit it to his boner, or assume he’ll be flaccid?”
K’rris spoke up then. “If you girls are going to wear those transparent outfits and Red’s going to be naked, I’m probably going to be hard more than not!” Both girls nodded. “Ubergard, I need him to maintain that if I’m going to drape this properly. "No problem there Red,” Ubergard said as she removed her armor. “Is that as hard as you get K’rris?” Muz-Ra asked as she held a bit of his outfit.
“I think so…” K’rris stammered, eyes glued to Ubergard’s butt. “You want him at full staff? Hold on a second,” Ubergard answered, ignoring K’rris and bending over farther as if touching her toes. “There,” she said, wiggling her ass in K’rris’ face. “Now he’ll be at his max.” “Got it!” Muz-Ra said proudly, pinching a bit of cloth to keep it marked. “Okay, thanks K’rris. I think this will do.”
“So, we good here? Because I’d really like to spend a little quality time with Uber right now!” “Oh, sure! Take it off and you and Uber can go at it like rabbits.” Muz-Ra took the kilt from K’rris and sat down on a bench with a needle and thread. “Um… Red?” Ubergard asked sweetly as her lover proceeded to voraciously bury his face between her legs, heedless of anything else now. “Mmm?” “A little privacy please?”
“Oh, sure. Ubergard, when you’re done here, do you mind coming by Dragons Reach? We need to work on the Jarl’s kilt too.” “Sure! Be right there. This won’t take long. Just wait for me at the door.” “Hey! How do you know? Isn’t that up to me how long it will take?!” K’rris asked, looking up wetly. “In theory, sure K’rris! In practice… Ubergard? Do you remember that thing I told you about?” Ubergard smiled evilly. “Completely,” she said, stroking K’rris’ cheek with her tail. “I’ll be down in 10 minutes.”
Muz-Ra left and and K’rris looked at the big Argonian as she lay her head back down against the cool stone. “‘Thing’? What ‘Thing’?” “You’ll see…” she smiled, closing her eyes as she felt him enter her. … Ubergard and K’rris met Muz-Ra at the door in less than 5 minutes, K’rris walking a bit unsteadily but with an awkward grin on his face.“ "Worked did it?” Muz-Ra laughed. “Like magic. Didn’t it K’rris?” “M… magic!” Ubergard bent down to nuzzle the little Khajiit. “Don’t worry K’rris. I’ll be back soon.” “And… you’ll ask her?” K’rris whispered, obviously embarrassed.

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #8

The two sat in silence, listening to the slow breathing of the sleeping patrons around them. The Angel smiled a few minutes later. “And now, I think you have some guests to entertain. I’ll be in our room. Best not do it out here though. The others will awaken anytime.” “Thanks for everything, Faniel.” Devilah said sincerely.
The door opened and the two guards walked in, looking around at the sleepers. “What the hell?” they both said simultaneously. “Oh, it’s nothing boys. They’re just sleeping. I’ll be right with you,” Devilah smiled her most seductive smile to placate them, then turned back to Faniel.
“Faniel, I don’t know much about Angels,” the Khajiit said in a hushed voice. “My special skills… well, I get the feeling that I couldn’t give you an orgasm if I tried my hardest. Is there anything I can do for you? You’ve given us…” “Silly Devilah. You don’t know anything about Angels if you think you need to give me something back. My reward is in your eyes. I’ve brought joy to you and these people. You more than any other should have some idea what I mean. You live off of the physical joy of men. That’s your nature. I live by bringing another kind of joy to anyone I can. You’ve already paid me, Devilah. Now, go make these horny guards’ fantasies come true. We are more alike than you know. Just remember, sex is the invention of your creator too. It is to be enjoyed to the fullest, so long as it is mutual. And not… hurtful. These guards are uncommitted and lonely. Go and fulfill your nature. You are a succubus, but now you are a Good succubus. So be the best fucking succubus that’s ever been!”
Devilah watched her go with amazement, then turned to the two bewildered men. “He… he said we should tell you he brought you a snack,” stammered the bearded guard. “Come outside, boys. I’m going to rock your world. But you’re a dessert, I’m afraid. I’ve already had dinner.”
Later, after the patrons had awakened and most had retired to their homes, two simultaneous cries of pleasure were heard by no one else save the special ears of an Angel and perhaps another who sat far atop the nearby mountain. Two sets of balls were drained directly down the throat of the best succubus the world had ever seen. Though she had to use all her power to accomplish the feat, to her credit she didn’t spill a drop and the two men never saw her wings before they were retracted. The two guards didn’t speak about the events of that night afterwards except between themselves, but they had their own pet name for it though. They called it the Deep Throat of the World, though neither could explain how it had even been physically possible!
When she crept into the room later, Faniel was lying on the other bed and Sampson was still sleeping. Faniel looked up and smiled a knowing nod and went back, apparently, to sleep. Devilah removed her clothes and, with some of her own magic, managed to get Sampson stiff again without waking him and snuggled up to him, inserting him into herself. Then, with her lover nestled deep inside her, she fell to sleep as contented as she had ever been in her life.
Faniel sighed as she opened her eyes and slid silently out of bed to look at the her two sleeping friends. In a voice no one could hear, she made a request of her Creator, though this was not his universe. She did not trouble to concern herself with whether or not it would be granted. She knew that it would be. Only the timing and circumstances of it were unknown to her.
Though it was bound to be violating some social custom, she couldn’t help herself. She was a Guardian Angel. Besides, she would return to her bed before either would wake. She might no longer truly be an Angel, but she still felt the need to follow her instincts. She climbed on top of both of them, using all the grace she could muster to disturb them as little as possible and lay atop her two sleeping friends, holding them with her delicate hands and covering them both with her wings, lightening herself so that she weighed little more than a blanket atop them.
The smooth body heat of Sampson and the soft fur of Devilah against her skin warmed her in a way that had nothing to do with temperature. She knew her body was getting aroused, but that too was natural. It was just a symptom of such close proximity to these two that she had come to love in her own way. She shifted a bit and felt a sensitive part of herself press against Devilah’s hip but so lightly that the succubus didn’t even stir. “You’re wrong, Devilah,” she thought with her eyes closed as she experienced her own gentle, nearly motionless orgasm and dampened Devilah’s fur just a little. “You and your lover turn me on more than you guess. But you don’t need to know that.” “Magic,” she thought as she drifted into her own sort of sleep. “Only you mortals have real magic. All else is smoke and mirrors. I envy you that. Too soon I will no longer be capable of experiencing this – but I’ll remember it.”

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #7

Klimmek and his friends watched the two lovers retreat to the privacy of their room. “That cat’s ass is awesome, but I’d hit that angel’s pussy so hard she couldn’t walk for a week!”, said one of Klimmek’s friends. The blow that came an instant later laid the man out cold on the floor as Klimmek looked fiercely at his other friend. “I’ll not hear such talk of my Lady Faniel!” he warned his remaining companion. The Bosmer held his hands up, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”
Faniel looked over at the two and smiled, nodding to Klimmek thankfully. Devilah’s voice rang out loud and gravelly with lust through the tavern causing more than a little bawdy laughter, “Dammit, screw these boots. For the love of all that is sacred, Sampson, leave the boots on and fuck me now!!!”
“Lynly?” Faniel asked the bard, “I wonder if you could play something for me?” Faniel asked. “I’ll try my best, Faniel. What would you like?” “Just… play along to this tune…” Faniel answered as she hummed a melody that was strange but hauntingly familiar to the patrons. A tune none could ever recall again. But, as the two lovers shed their clothes and their bodies mingled in the privacy of their room nearby, the Angel began to sing…
Lynly’s hands seemed to continue of their own accord as the angel’s voice began. None present had ever heard such a voice, and even the jaded bartender stepped from behind his post and sat to listen. The sounds of Sampson and Devilah’s passionate lovemaking seemed not to interrupt Faniel’s song but to add a rhythmic counterpoint as their bed began to bang out its own drumbeat against the wall and their moans of ecstasy blended with Faniel’s voice as if in harmonic accompaniment.
The song reached it’s emotional peak just as the lovers reached their own, and it seemed as if Faniel was vocalizing their own feelings as they fell back to earth, both sated and spent.
A long while later, Devilah noticed she heard no sounds coming from the tavern and asked Sampson if perhaps they should return. But he was asleep so she put her own clothes back on and returned. Outside, everyone was sleeping except Faniel. “What happened? What did you do?” “Oh, it’s nothing. They’re just sleeping. My singing tends to do that. They’ll wake up soon. How was your orgasm?”
“It was… incredible,” Devilah admitted, sitting on the floor beside the fire. “I thought I heard singing, but I wasn’t sure if it was in my head or not. You’ve got your own sort of magic, don’t you?” The Angel smiled. “I have nothing. All I have was given me. Sampson really loves you Devilah. That offer to the guards was quite a sacrifice for him. They’ll be here soon.”
“I know. He’s more than I deserve, Faniel. If I were a normal Khajiit, I’d reject them. But… I just can’t.” “I understand more than anyone, Devilah. I can’t divulge much of what happened before I came here, but I was your Guardian Angel for a little bit. You might say I read up on you. But don’t feel too bad. A sacrifice is worth nothing without some little pain. He knows you will do what you will do.”

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #6

The tavern was sparsely populated, but all heads did a double-take when Faniel entered. The Angel laughed loudly. “Well, hello to all of you too! Yes, I have wings.”

“And nice tits too!” said one inebriated patron.

“Oh yes! And check out this pussy!” Faniel laughed back.

“Looks like she’s smuggling a hamster.” said another.

“Looks like a tribble is giving her oral!” said the first.

“Oh!”, Faniel laughed alongside them. “You mean my pubic hair? Would you like it better shaved?”

“Yeah! Butter-smooth pussy is the best! Like a baby’s bottom.”

Sampson looked at Devilah, “What’s a tribble?“ to which she only shrugged.

"I’ll go get us a room,” Devilah said to Sampson. “You handle this!”

Sampson decided he’d better put a stop to anything before someone got the wrong ideas. “Guys, she’s new around here. And she’s off limits. Unless you want to follow the Orc I just beheaded. Just enjoy the show.”

Faniel frowned. "Pffft. You’re no fun Sampson. Stop worrying about me. Now I’m going to go talk to this man who clearly has good taste in the female form!“

"Watch yourself Faniel. They’re drunk.”

“In Vino Veritas,” quoted the Angel, to which Sampson just scratched his head.

Despite Sampson’s warning, Faniel walked up to the man and asked if he’d like to dance. The grin that spread across his face showed pure joy and he lept out of his seat, spilling his mug.

“And you, I presume, play music?” Faniel asked a lady sitting nearby with a lute on her lap. “Would you mind doing so for me and this gentleman?”

“I would be honored. I am Lynly Star-Sung. And you are?”

“Please call me Faniel. And now, good sir, could you show my friend how to treat a lady? Dance with me, if you would!”

Sampson and Devilah went to the bar and ordered some drinks, though Sampson noticed that Devilah did little more than touch the mug to her lips as they watched the pair in fascination.

The man, named Klimmek, stared into Faniel’s eyes as if in a trance, while she laughed and danced with him like she was dancing with the most graceful man on earth. It seemed her wings bore not the slightest hindrance for them, and even though he was apparently just some local farmer, somehow he was able to match her in grace as long as he kept looking into her eyes. Even the bard seemed to rise to the occasion and her voice was no longer that of a lowly bard in a backwater village, but transformed into something more.

Sampson looked at Devilah whose eyes were shining as they turned back to him. "Care to dance?“ he found himself asking.

"I… think I would!” she whispered, and the two joined the Angel and the farmer.

As the last note died away, not a word was spoken as the two pairs of dancers separated. Faniel broke the spell. “Thank you Klimmek.You dance wonderfully!”

The stunned farmer looked down at his shoddy clothes and back to the Angel with tears in his eyes, but could only stammer, “Thank you, m’lady… er… Lady Faniel. I was just kidding about the… hair.”

Faniel kissed him as he sat back down. “I doubt that very much, but thank you for the lie.”

The three travelers retired to a table while the bard started up another tune.

“What the hell was that, Faniel?” Sampson asked her when she sat down.

“Oh, just livening up the poor guy’s life a bit.”

“Magic?” asked Devilah.

“Oh no. He’s always had it in him. He just needed someone to bring it out. A great dancer don’t you think?”

“I wish I could… please him like you do men, Devilah. He deserves it.”

“You can’t do that?” Devilah asked.

“I can. But it would be cruel. I never want to be that cruel. I just want to bring joy, but I can’t stay with him forever as he’d like. So no, it wouldn’t be right.”

“That reminds me,” Sampson said, turning to Devilah. “Dev, you may meet those guards later.”

“The ones on the bridge? Why?”

“I… suggested you might like another snack.”

“Oh Sampson! Are you serious?!”

“Well… yes. Did I do something wrong?”

Devilah gave him a kiss that he would never forget for it’s warmth and passion. He was a bit surprised that her raspy tongue could still feel so good inside his own mouth.

“Devilah! Jeeze, I just told them…” Sampson managed once she’d released him enough to talk.

“I love you Sampson. I think they’ll have to be a dessert, not an appetizer. I want you, stud, and I want you RIGHT NOW! Let’s go to our room!”

Sampson laughed and picked Devilah up bodily and carried her off to be ravished out of sight, if not totally out of earshot.

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #5

“Wait! Hold on big guy!” cried the leader, wisely dropping his weapon to the ground and dropping to his knees. The other man was running like a rabbit and Sampson decided not to pursue him, turning back to the man before him. “You want to live?” Sampson asked, not a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
Some time later, Sampson was wearing some much nicer leather armor but trying to console Faniel. “You know, you didn’t have to do that Sampson,” Faniel sobbed. “No? You’d rather have been raped?” Faniel shook her head, her eyes flashing anger and sadness simultaneously. “I can’t be raped. He couldn’t touch me if he wanted to.” “Oh, he wanted to all right. Why? Do you have some special power I don’t know about?” asked Sampson. “I am protected by my Faith. Everything that happens is by my Creator’s design. He wouldn’t allow anything like that to happen to me.”
Look, faith is one thing, Faniel, but this is Skyrim. Maybe me killing that Orc was how your Creator was to protect you.“ Faniel considered that. Finally, she lightened up. "Well, that’s certainly true I guess. Everything happens as he wills it. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only way.” Sampson sighed. “Maybe you’re right, but it’s the only way I know to deal with that sort. Come on, Dev’s gotta be done pretty soon. Let’s head towards the bridge.”
The two began to stroll slowly down the road, each thinking their own thoughts. Faniel broke the silence while the afternoon sun began to sink lower. “Sampson? Do you think it was right to take their stuff? Doesn’t that just make us bandits?” Sampson frowned. He wasn’t used to thinking this much. “They were going to rob us. Surely it’s only fair.” Faniel considered that. “Still, you’re taking property at the point of a sword. We probably should have just let them go.” “Maybe where you come from, that might make sense. Here, it doesn’t.” “May I see that knife-thing?” Faniel asked. “I guess you’re right. I don’t really know this world well enough.” “The dagger? Do you know how to use it?” the man asked the angel as he handed her the blade he’d taken from the bandit.
“I… think I do. Not that I’ve ever held such things before but I find it attractive. I feel like I know how.” “More Angel magic?” “Silly man, there’s no magic. Only the lord’s will. But yes, I guess it’s magic of a sort,” Faniel smiled, hefting the dagger in her hands. “You can have it. I’m not much good with small weapons anyway.” “Hmm… can you also give me that… belt thing?” “Sure!”
Soon the Angel had the bandit’s bandolier across her chest. “So? How do I look?” “Umm…” stammered Sampson.
“You look awesome Faniel! Well, looks like somebody’s been busy!” Devilah laughed as she returned. “We met some friends,” Sampson said, hugging his lover happily. Faniel answered her quizzical look with a sad one of her own. “Bandits. Three of them. Sampson took care of it though. He had to kill one.” Devilah looked worriedly at Sampson, but he reassured her, “You should know better than to worry about me Dev.”
“And how did your snack go?” “Sampson, we both know you don’t want to know. But he was pretty poor honestly. I think I have enough for a night’s stay and some dinner.” Sampson smiled and tossed her a pouch. “Will this help?” “Whoa!” Devilah said as she caught the bag. “Nice! Looks like you two did better than me! This should do for quite a while. Mind if I hold it Sampson?” “Not at all. Come on, let’s get on to Ivarstead.”
The three strode towards the town, eliciting the stares of the locals as night began to fall. Unexpectedly, it seemed that Faniel’s wings caused more of a stir than her lack of clothing. A pair of guards came up to them as they were crossing the bridge into the town proper. “What brings you to Ivarstead, stranger?” one of them said to Sampson, but it was Devilah that responded. “We’re climbing the mountain tomorrow. We’re just here to stay the night.” “No trouble then?” “No trouble intended. Though some of your local bandits found out differently back there a few miles.”
“Bandits? What did they look like?” “A Nord, and Imperial and an Orc I’m told. My friend here had to take the head of the Orc.” The two guards looked at each other. “Osbard’s band. Good job if you killed that Orc. Mean son-of-a-bitch.” “You know them?” “Just from travelers’ tales. They stay out of town. Maybe Osbard will go elsewhere if you killed off his muscle. Tell Wilhelm at the Inn. I expect he’ll spot you a room.”
“I will. Thanks,” Devilah said. “Where’s the Inn?” “Just there, on the left. No trouble, right?” “No trouble,” Devilah assured him and they continued on. “Hey…” the other guard said in a low voice to Sampson as he passed. “Sampson’s the name. What is it?” “Just… nice companions you got there! But the bird’s going to need some clothes. It gets damned cold up the mountain.”
“Thanks. But I suspect she won’t need them anyway.” Then Sampson looked back at his lover as her tail swished back and forth as she walked on. “Afraid the Angel’s off limits, but… how do you feel about tails?” “That gorgeous cat? Man, I’d…” Sampson smiled menacingly. “Shut it. But if you drop by the Inn later, talk to her. Just tell her I sent her a snack.”
“A snack? Look Sampson, I’m not out to get into any trouble!” the guard said, a worried tone in his voice. “Oh, no trouble at all. Bring your friend if he’s into fur. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.” The guard looked to his companion who nodded vigorously. “You sure?” “I’m sure. She rather likes men in uniform.”

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #4

“So, have you thought about who will be your maid-of-honor?” Cheetah asked. “I have. But honestly I’m scared I will offend you guys. That’s why I really wanted to come here. I want all of you there to be my bridesmaids of course.” Kitty spoke up then, “Red, there’s no way some of us won’t feel a little pissed. But this is your day. We’ll get over it.”
“Well, Cheetah, you know I’ve known you the least, so I don’t think you’ll be offended if I don’t choose you. But Udaran and Ubergard, I’ve known you both for so long you’re like sisters to me. And Kitty, you’ve been the best friend, not to mention the most generous, I could ever have too! It has to be one of you three. I’ve thought about this for a long time, and even though it might be awkward… Ubergard, I’d like you to be my maid-of-honor.” “ Me?” Ubergard said as the others cheered for her. “ME?” she repeated. “Why me?” “Ubergard, you’ve been like a rock for all of us. Always there when we needed you, never complaining. It was knowing what K’rris could offer you in happiness that really made me want to help, even if I did screw that up a bit.” “Muz-Ra,” the Argonian stammered. “I… don’t know what to say. Thank you!”
“Oh, about that… what do you have in mind for us to wear? We’ve not got much time if you’re really going to get married on Saturday!” Kitty asked. “I’ve got it all worked out with the Jarl’s seamstress. The Jarl and I talked about this and… um… what do you think about wearing something see-through?” “Sexy bridesmaids? For a wedding?!” Kitty asked. “Well… yeah! What can I say? It turns out the Jarl is almost as much of a pervert as I am!” “HOW see-through?” asked Udaran warily. “Well… very… yeah…” “Oh, what the hell,” Udaran conceded, “If it’s what you want. What will you be wearing?”
“Nothing.” “Nothing?” “Nothing. After my horse-ride through town, it’s practically expected.” K’rris looked worried. “I almost hate to ask but… the groom and I?”
“Oh, we have something special in mind. Don’t worry, you’ll be covered. Sort of.” K’rris leaned back against Ubergard and sighed, “I guess I’d better wear some snug underwear anyway or I’ll be standing out like a tent pole!” Muz-Ra smiled evilly – “Now you get the idea! Jarlyhorse gets to look at all us girls’ boobs, I get to see all the erections. A Win-Win!” Udaran laughed and turned to Cheetah, “Win, Win, WIN!”
Meanwhile, far away to the southeast… “Well, what have we here?” came a voice from behind Faniel and Sampson unexpectedly. Sampson leapt to his feet, his sword flashing out as two large men and an Orc stepped into view on three sides, obviously bandits. “Oh, put that away,” threatened one of the men, obviously the leader. “You might hurt yourself. You’re clearly no warrior, you’ve not even any armor! Why don’t you just lend us your wench for a little bit?” “Wench?” Sampson looked at Faniel, who could only shrug.
“Sure. We’ll just break her in for you. Well, her and any gold you might have, of course. That sword looks nice too.” the leader continued. “Wings? Croaker, she has wings !” said third bandit, having gained a clearer view of Faniel. “An Angel!” the Osimer laughed crudely. “I’ve never fucked an Angel before! Let me fuck her first boss!”
“No way!” laughed the third man. “She’ll be loose as an Imperial whore!” Sampson stepped in front of his friend. “No one’s fucking anyone here today.” “Oh! And who’s going to stop me? You, little man?” the Orc scowled, drawing his battleaxe. Sampson swung around to face the Orc.
“Wait! Sampson, STOP!” Faniel cried as Sampson and the Orc sized each other up. “You stay out of this,” Sampson said over his shoulder. “ NO! You don’t have to fight him Sampson! He can’t touch me.” But before she could say anything more, the two were in battle.
The orc came charging at Sampson in a rage, his axe cutting a vicious arc that only the stoutest of shields could have withstood. Sampson was clad only in the rags he had pilfered from their cabin the night before and had no hope of stopping it. Instead, he crouched low. The orc smiled and angled his blade downward, too low to duck.
Faniel screamed as the blade completed it’s arc, but Sampson had leaped well over the blade. The orc was surprised to feel no body to stop his weapon. A few seconds later, he was more surprised to see his body continuing in it’s rush without him. As the realization dawned that he no longer was attached to the body he was watching as he fell rolling into the ground, he rather wished he hadn’t seen the Angel in the first place, and hoped that maybe he’d see a lot more very, very soon.
Faniel screamed for Sampson to stop, looking in horror at the lifeless body in front of her, but he was beyond the Orc and upon the leader of the small group of bandits before the Orc’s head stopped rolling.

The Quest for the Holy Dildo #3

Muz-Ra was waiting in the Jarl’s chambers when finally his entourage disbanded and he came in to see her. At that he broke into a wide grin and enfolded her in his strong embrace, but her expression and stiffness soon revealed to him that all was not well. “Red? What is it? What’s happened?” “My billy goat gruff, do you still want to marry me?” she asked outright. His face turned serious. “You know I do. Nothing would make me happier, Red.” Her expression became somewhat lighter. “I hope that’s true Jarlyhorse. I have to tell you something, and you may not feel the same afterwards.” The Jarl of Whiterun gave her a firm kiss on her snout for reassurance, and she returned the show of affection with a chin nuzzle before they both sat on the massive bed and she began to tell him about what had happened between her and K’rris.
When she finished, he sat looking at her for a long while. Muz-Ra stood, unable to face the shame she felt under his gaze. “I… I’m staying at the Tails. If you want me, you can find me there.” “Red, you know we had no formal commitment to each other. This… dalliance of yours is of no consequence to me. No, it’s not that which troubles me. It’s the fact that you feel so guilty about it that is worrisome. As much as I’ve been looking forward to coming home to you, perhaps we should spend some time apart to sort out our feelings.” The Argonian nodded and left the room quietly but obviously choking back emotions..
The ever-present Irileth stepped in as she left. “Trouble with Muz-Ra?” “None at all. She had an affair of sorts and feels guilty about it. I’ve sent her away as a sort of punishment.” Irileth’s eyebrows raised, “May I assume that no mention was made of you and that Breton girl in Solitude?” “Of course not. That was totally different!” “Oh? If I may be so bold, how so?” “Because I don’t feel guilty about it. She does. That makes a world of difference.”
“Excuse me for not understanding, but you sound like a pig. I know you have your… peculiarities, but I didn’t think I was working for a pig.” The Jarl sighed and motioned for Irileth to sit while he closed the doors. “And I didn’t know you were the type to jump to conclusions so easily. She feels guilty because she still feels an attachment to her ‘other’. If it were truly just a fling, it would be a trifle. But she feels guilt. And with guilt must come punishment. She will never feel fully reformed without some punishment. I want her back the way she was, not always feeling she doesn’t deserve me. So I sent her away for some time.” “How long?” “Oh, I’d say just a day should do. I miss her too. Breton or no!” “A day? That’s not exactly banishment! And why are you smiling?” “No, it’s not. But right now she doesn’t know that. In the meantime, we need to start preparations as soon as possible!” the Jarl laughed, his face oddly full of joy. “Preparations for what?” Irileth asked confused. “A wedding! Your Jarl’s going to get married to that Argonian woman, and if I have my way, within the week!”
“A royal wedding?! Within a week???” “Keep it small Irileth. It’s not like it’s my first marriage. Just her group and those who really must attend.” “Does SHE know about this?!” “Who? Muz-Ra? She has no clue. But once I ‘forgive’ her she’ll be more than ready. She practically said as much. Now start the preparations, but keep them quiet till tomorrow night.” Irileth gave him her customary aggrieved sigh and stalked out of the room. “I don’t know how you do it, but you’re probably right. But I wonder if you realize just how much of a smug prick you are right now.” The Jarl just smiled… smugly. “Oh, and Irileth?” “Yes?” “I’ll tell her all about the Breton, I promise. She just needs to stew a little bit first.”
Two days later… “WHAT?” “It’s just what I said,” Udaran insisted, brandishing the gold envelope. “We are requested to attend the wedding of Jarl Balgruuf and Muz-Ra this Saturday!” “Wow! I guess Red really got things turned around quickly!” Kitty exclaimed. “Wait… there’s more. Ubergard?” Udaran said, turning to the giant Argonian. “You’d better tell K’rris. He’s to be the best man.”
Ubergard found K’rris just taking his morning bath, which she joined as she explained the news Udaran had received in the morning’s mail. “Me?” K’rris said. “Are you sure? He doesn’t even know me.” “Apparently he does now. I think I know why too.” “Well, why then?” “He knows about you and Muz-Ra. I think this is his way of getting the whole thing out of the way.” “He’s quite magnanimous I’d say.”
“Look, K’rris, don’t expect him to suddenly become your best buddy. This is a statement. He’s saying he knows. That’s all. He knows and he wants to marry Red anyway. This is a statement of his love for Red, not you.” “Oh… Well, that’s still a good thing though, right?” “I think so. At least he’s not coming to lop off your head!” “What about Red? Is Kitty going to be her maid of honor?” “See, that’s the other thing. She’s coming here to talk with us about it. This afternoon. She wants you with us. I’m sure we’ll all be in the big pool later anyway.” K’rris sighed. “Another naked girl-fest? I don’t know if I can take much more of this! I think I’m up more than I’m down.” “You were warned when you signed up for this job!”
“…he was a goddamned bastard about it too! Didn’t tell me till the next day, making me stew for a day. And then, before I even have a chance to get mad back at him, BOOM! He want’s to get married! Now how am I supposed to work up a proper anger at that? Damned that Jarlmeister, he’s a tricky one!” “Aren’t you jealous?” “What, of a BRETON woman? Please. I could get the Jarl off with my left foot! She practically had to do backflips to get him off. And besides, I got a blast of hot cat-jizz to boot! Oh… sorry Uber.” Ubergard laughed, “No offense taken! Cat-jizz is the best!” “Would you two please stop talking about it like I’m not here?!” K’rris protested. Udaran held up a reminding finger. “Sorry K’rris – but you’re supposed to be just one of the girls around here, remember?”
“It would be a lot easier to pretend that were so if you didn’t keep talking about my… stuff.” Red stood up and gave K’rris a strong hug. “Sorry K’rris. And sorry about me getting all emotional back then. Now that the Jarl’s back, I really feel I’m over that for good.” K’rris looked at her sincerely, “I am glad too Red.” Ubergard held his rather prominent erection, “So, can we assume that’s directed not only at Udaran now?” K’rris looked down, perhaps a little embarrassed, but not nearly so much as he had been in the past. “I’m afraid it’s become omni-species. I get a boner from all of you now.” Udaran posed seductively in front of the lone male. “But just remember, I was your first crush!”